With Halloween approaching, everyone starts to get into the spirit. As the air gets colder, people began to coat their houses with artificial cobwebs and pumpkins, because God forbid they rot and you have to throw them away come Thanksgiving. (Note: Pumpkins are not thanksgiving decorations. They should be turned into pie by then. Don’t question this.)
Once all the decorations have been put up, it’s time to focus on Halloween, the one night a year where children are encouraged to accept candy from strangers. I believe that a person’s true colors can be shown on Halloween. There are a few main types of people giving out candy during Halloween.
The average house: Gives out anything ranging from fun size snickers, to dum dum pops. Depending on the volume of people in the neighborhood, people may be giving out handfuls, but one to two pieces is standard.
The house with the large candy bars: There is no better way to tell everybody, “I’ve got more cash than I know what to do with.” These people do not hold back at all, and are determined to put the rest of the neighborhood to shame. There’s usually only one of these houses, and they shine like the city on the hill. You owe your life to these fine folks.
The house that gives out anything that’s not candy: Maybe they’re vegan, maybe they’re liberal, they’re most likely some sort of combination of the two. This woman will show up to the door wearing her Bernie 2016 shirt, whilst CNN blares on the TV in the background. She explains how candy rots your teeth and can lead to malignant cancer. Most likely her children aren’t vaccinated, and if they were to ever eat a piece of candy they would be disowned; however, pot is totally healthy for them. You’ll see her later that night verbally berating the kid who dressed up as Donald Trump for Halloween. Your mom appreciates the fact someone dropped a toothbrush in your pillowcase. You wish you had a Molotov to roll through the front door.
The house that leaves out a bowl of candy with a sign that says “please take one”: This could simply be renamed, “the house that gives an entire bowl of candy to the first person that gets there.” Anybody who actually takes one piece should immediately be awarded a Medal of Honor.
The house with the lights out: These people might think that Halloween is a holiday created for devil worship, (yes, I have neighbors that have told me they believe this) they might be too cheap to spend two dollars on a couple bags of candy, or they may just really hate kids. Whatever the reason may be, this house is completely dark with the shades drawn. Someone will be dumb enough to ring the doorbell anyway, to which they will hear scampering behind the door, followed by “Shhh, just wait for them to go.” There is an 87% chance that toilet paper will be draped over this house by the next morning.
I’ll admit, I‘ve been out of the game for a while, but I do have years of experience under my belt. It’s always fun to reminisce about the experiences I had, and the types of people I encountered wandering around at night while taking candy from strangers.